Posts Tagged ‘dieting’
Controlled Freak
Sometimes I believe that if I could just control my environment, I could control my eating. For me, making healthy choices Monday morning through Friday afternoon is pretty easy. Sure, there are midday moments when I’d trade my firstborn for a cookie, but the cravings often pass quickly with the help of a piece of gum or some whole grain crackers. The truth is, if I grocery shop, stock up on healthy foods, and pack my lunch every day, I’m pretty good to go for the work week.
Enter Friday afternoon and life’s little variables.
No one wants to give up having a social life — friends, a boyfriend or girlfriend, events, restaurants, bars — for an all healthy, all the time lifestyle, but some days I think if I could just skip… well… everything fun… I’d lose weight quickly and without much effort.
So, that’s one issue.
Here’s another one: I don’t want to be the whiny friend-on-a-diet who makes requests of others — be it specific restaurants, or no dessert, or whatever. No one else should be “punished” because I think I need to lose a few pounds.
This is particularly a problem if you are dealing with people who love and accept you for you are, at any weight. Plain and simple, they just don’t get it. Those of us who are truly only ten or so pounds overweight, or ten or so pounds away from being comfortable with our bodies, probably have it the hardest. Sure, we may not be “fat” or “obese,” but our goals are our goals and sometimes I think I sabotage myself just because I don’t want to make “big deal” out of my weight to those who may say they support us, but don’t actually know how to support us.
It took me a long time to come out to my boyfriend that I am a WeightWatcher. I knew he wouldn’t be judgmental, but I think part of me didn’t want to bring it to his attention that I was unhappy with my body. Maybe I thought that if he knew, he’d suddenly realize I was overweight, and he’d be unhappy with my body. Considering that I’m not dating a complete ass, this was not the case. I broke “the news,” and he responded with a nod and, “OK.”
He tries his best to be supportive, but the situation remains the same: he doesn’t get it because he’s never been where I’ve been. Sure, I think there’s been times in his life when he hasn’t been particularly happy with his weight, but this is a guy who sneezes and gains muscle mass; this is a guy who, as long as he’s training for a marathon or a triathlon, can eat his body weight in meat and cheese and bread and sweets, and not gain an ounce.
But that’s just it. I can’t do that. Some people start working out and the weight — whether they were trying to lose it or not — just melts off of them. He’s one of those people. I’m not sure he had any weight loss goals when he decided to train for his first marathon six years ago, but — like magic — 30 pounds gone.
Sadly, when I started running and training for distance events, I initially gained weight, and no, my clothes didn’t fit that differently. But, for me, that’s reality. I cannot workout like a maniac, train for endurance events, and eat whatever I want. I just can’t. It sucks. Let me tell you.
I am reading Learning to Drive by Katha Pollitt, which has nothing to do with weight loss, but this passage made me laugh out loud:
Gradually, I forgot what I knew and lost the confidence to try new recipes, nor did I ever learn to use any of the numerous appliances he collected: the espresso machine with cappuccino attachment, the Cuisinart mini-prep, or the deep-fat fryer he bought the day after I said I was going on a diet.
Now, the ex-boyfriend she’s referring to in this passage is probably a bit of an ass in real life, but it made me think about a day not long ago, when I was feeling particularly unhappy with body and my ability to motivate myself to lose weight. I spent a decent portion of the day making demeaning comments about myself and my body to my boyfriend, who decided at dinner, to order a piece of cake. I don’t think he in any way wanted to sabotage my efforts, but he wanted cake and frankly, he can eat cake without repercussions. I, however, cannot. It’s not his job to monitor what I eat, and I realize that, but it just makes it… harder… my weaknesses are exploited in those moments. And, it’s not always easy to rely on shear willpower and determination.
Tonight, I made plans to eat at a tapas restaurant. I’m preparing myself because going in with a game plan is really my only defense. It must be an amazing feeling to not have to plan to “be on the defensive” simply because you are eating out at a restaurant. And, I’ll be honest — this “defense” often fails. Regardless, I’m scouring the Internet, reading the restaurant’s menu, searching for nutritional content, trying to figure out what the best choices are, and kind of kicking myself for feeling as though it’s not my place to burden other people with my weight loss issues.
And, of course, I do love me some tapas.
